LIGHTBULB JOKES
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from Western Electric
Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only).
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone,
it would screw itself in.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasability study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time
(in addition to the electric utility).
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards
(sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission.
1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent
when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point
product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements).
compatibility architecture/study.
3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2
compatibility architecture/study.
2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted)
follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts,
visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
alternative bulb socket.
10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split
(Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation:
screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group.
1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People - Answer customer BPRs.
11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine years.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some
minor variation of it!
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around
him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
Q. how many ibm cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A. 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin
cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine years.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use
a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for
Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light
fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high-
wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the
door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed,
we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the
United States.
- Jim Phelps
Washington, D.C.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Q: How many new agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
world where we can all aspire to be gods.
From Brian.Lallatin@gd-ais.com Wed May 29 13:03:40 2002
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's
busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate
was a light bulb?
Astrology
How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?
How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II
How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install,
and two engineers to check the work.
How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.
How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.
How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
I have a few more at
http://www.hexfiles.multiservers.com/joke/howmany.htm, feel free to
add what you want on your page...
Brian Lallatin
Sr. Specialist, Technical Training